and i'm not an insomniac. don't really know what's going on with me tonight. or should i say today since it is 4am. i don't know. my dog is going in and out of the dog door...probably trying to get sprayed by a skunk like he did the other night. it's not too bad, that smell -- not great -- don't get me wrong -- but i've smelled worse. and i think it's starting to fade. or maybe i'm just getting used to it. and it's hot. yes, i have an air conditioner, but the fuse likes to blow when i turn it on, so for tonight i'll just sweat. it's almost august. sort of. lots of fun stuff planned for the month of august. my brother is moving to la. my parents are coming to visit. an old friend is coming to visit. and maybe i'll finally have a real income sometime soon. that would be nice. not that i don't like to worry about paying my bills...it has its charm...but i think i'm ready to move on.
these are the things i think about at 4am. oh -- and i can't seem to fit into some of my jeans anymore. i keep them in the closet, waiting for the day when they will zip, but it doesn't seem likely anytime soon.
you know, it's hard to tell the difference between the sound of a bird and the sound of a rat sometimes. i just heard this noise. could have been a chirp, could have been a squeak. who's to say? all i know is that it was very close to my window. my first floor window. luckily i have employed two vicious attack dogs.
i can get lost in the online world of dogs for hours...
i appreciate what they're doing, but why do all breeders of poodle mixes have the worst taste ever? i'm picturing myself at the dog park and someone asks "what kind of dog is that?" and i answer "he's a Doodleman Pinscher."
i mean, really.
way to take a noble breed and turn him into a clown. how can any dog respect himself with a name like that. what's next? we'll be encouraged to cut off his balls??? oh, wait...
ok, so now, just to fill you in, someone is running the sprinklers right outside my window. at least i hope that's what's happening...my paranoid brain has decided that it could also be a homeless person taking a shower with the hose. but i think that's just in my mind.
for anyone wondering about my new haircut:
and now it's 4:44 so i think i'll try to sleep again. why not. might as well.
i had too much fun last night...went to my show, thought i might not be able to sing on account of my recent case of sore throat/no voice...everything came out just fine...and it was so nice to play to lots of people on a wednesday night at 11pm...i was expecting to play for the sound guy and the bartenders. i don't think i would go to a show at 11pm on a wednesday, so thanks to everyone -- you're all much cooler than i am.
"First off, I don't know you. Secondly, by reading the list of music I DO LIKE, what the fuck makes you think I'd even be remotely interested in your crap? Third, it SPECIFICALLY SAYS AT THE TOP OF MY PERSONAL PROFILE that if I don't know you or work for you, I WILL DENY YOU."
um...ya...so i'm pimping out my music on various friend/networking websites...it's so much fun, i've gotta tell you...this girl was a real bitch! wow. luckily this is the first i've seen of its kind...certainly not the last...and i trudge on through the internet sludge...
i was bored and re-reading my own posts (yup...you can find them on the sidebar to the right of this page, listed by month under "archives") and i decided to visit this site again. went to the music page and read some rumors.
that's when i saw this:
"Alanis Morissette wrote You Oughta Know about Dave Coulier."
and it was listed as "a statement of undetermined or ambiguous veracity."
i am tired of the emotionally vacant...the emotionally unavailable...the emotionally detached...the emotionally distant...i want to be around people who know that it is ok to feel things deeply and to express those things freely. this does not come from any particular incident, only from the observation over a long period of time that i feel largely alone in my way of thinking and expressing. and i hate that.
i used to like to hang out with people who were on drugs because i found them much more capable of expressing their feelings. of course, this was all bullshit and they could only express their so-called feelings while on whichever substance they were on...and i wanted them to keep that level of openness every minute of the day. didn't happen, needless to say...and i was left feeling so alone. which is how i feel most of the time. it's sad to be around people and feel alone. worse than being by myself, because at least when i'm by myself i know i'm alone and don't expect that connection to be present. i crave that connection. i don't mind being alone -- i need to a lot of my own space -- but when i'm with another person i expect to feel connected.
as simple as it seems, that is the hardest thing to find and the thing i most want.