naomiland

so i'm in the gym yesterday. on the tv screen in front of me is what might be, quite possibly, the most disgusting half hour of tv EVER...aka mtv's "i want a famous face"...you have only to watch one episode of this new reality tv show to know what i'm talking about. in so many ways.

it's bad enough that i have to watch this show, since i'm trapped on a treadmill with no remote control, but i am forced to listen to the following conversation going on next to me.

unnaturally muscular guy #1: can you believe this shit?
unnaturally muscular guy #2: ya, it's out of control.
unnaturally muscular guy #1: what ever happened to accepting yourself the way you are?
unnaturally muscular guy #2: ya, man...

of course, these are the same guys who just spent the previous hour lifting unnaturally heavy weights to achieve their unnaturally muscular frame, and are now running 6 miles to burn off any excess fat...who wants a six-pack when you can have an 8-pack, dude?

i work out in west hollywood, the mecca of all things surgically enhanced, and i will tell you that these are the same guys who stare longingly at every barbie doll who happens to walk by. which happens quite often.

which introduces an even more troubling issue -- do these guys think that the women they're ogling are actually born that way??? can they even string rational thoughts together in order to come to the conclusion that these pieces of ass in front of them (and in most of the movies and magazines they're most likely jerking off to) have been through similar, if not the same, processes as those which they are watching on the tv???

by no means am i condemning cosmetic surgery -- just the people who do not recognize it when they see it and then expect women to look like that naturally and then question why most women are completely dissatisfied with their bodies and therefore putting themsleves through all sorts of physical and emotional pain in order to achieve otherwise unachievable results.

cosmetic surgery is here to stay -- sure the human race might ultimately be better off without it, but the same can be said of almost every technological advance -- now that we have cell phones and boob jobs we can hardly expect people to choose payphones or falsies. of course there are the exceptions. there are people who don't own televsions or shop in grocery stores. in this society they are commonly referred to as freaks.

wouldn't it be nice if the whole world could just turn it's back on new developments, return to the time of actual communication between human beings, grow our own carrots and lima beans...well, ya, but mcdonald's tastes too damn good. and i really like being able to get strawberries in the middle of winter.

so what am i saying, exactly? i don't know.

no, really. i don't know.

something i hate

i was in the trader joes parking lot today, eating a salad in my car, when suddenly i felt something hit the side of the car. i looked out the window and, sure enough, the woman in the nasty old duster next to me (or whatever that car is from bill and ted's excellent adventure) had opened her car door and hit my car.

so i got out, looked at the side of the car, and, sure enough, there was a little dent. so i said to her, as she was backing out, "excuse me, mam, you just hit my car." to which she replied "no, i did not." it went back and forth like this for a few minutes, at which point she said, "look at my car -- see how many dents i have? i've had this car for 27 years and it gets dented all the time."

ok -- not the point. i do not care how many dents her car has. mine had none. at least not before she dented it.

so i told her that the number of dents on her car was completely irrelevant. that did not mean it was ok to dent my car.

then she told me that it was people like me, who allowed "little things" to upset them, who were responsible for all the negative energy in big cities. she said that there are more important things to be upset about. like iraq.

ok, true enough, but STILL NOT THE F*CKING POINT!!! i was getting so angry and sensed that this was going nowhere. her brain had obviously been pickled by all the herbal remedies she was undoubtedly taking. i decided to end the interaction. i said, "look, i can't prove that you just dented my car, so if i have wrongly accused you , i apologize. have a nice day." and the BITCH had the nerve to say, in her whiny, liberal, i'm-tired-of-people-always-pushing-my-sorry-ass-around-and-i-just-came-here-to-buy-organic-vegetables voice "you know, i just came from the accupuncturist and chinese herbalist...i work on reducing my stress level...and now this..."

so i interrupted her, told her to have a lovely day, and got back in my car. a self-centered, self-righteous bunch, those new age freaks. f*ck them and their sh*tty old cars.

warning!!!

ok, so after two days of intense abdominal cramping and thinking i had a parasite, a friend clued me in to something...

low-carb chocolates and candies act as laxatives when eaten in large quantities. yes, i will admit to eating large quantities. i was too excited with my recent discovey. and i paid for my gluttany. big time.

so be careful. use them sparingly. apparently, the warning is on the label, but i was too eager to indulge...i ripped that bag open and ate. i think it was the low-carb jellybeans from trader joes that really did me in. =( i should have known it was all too good to be true...

oh my god, i think i've found heaven

i have yet to try these, but the guy's voice is very convincing...

low carb chocolates

i especially like the explanation of maltitol and am happy to hear that the FDA says it's 'generally recognized as safe'...hmmm...how general and how safe?

oh well. my body might rot from the inside out, but at least i'll look good.

low carb chocolates

mmm...such a great idea...perfect for those uncontrollable cravings for something sweet...great for those times when you just cannot go without...

like first thing every morning...ya, it's a problem. i bought them for the occassional choco-emergency and now go to sleep at night thinking about them. i make myself eat eggs first and then top it off with a nice low-carb caramel turtle. that can't be the intended use. low-carb chocolate breakfast treat?

oh -- and i finally came up with a "plan B" for all those concerned parties...if this whole music thing doesn't work out, i've decided to eat myself to death. not so glamourous, but think of the fun i'd have.

when actors sing

it makes things very confusing...for some reason i always think "if actor, then not singer" or maybe more like "if actor, then only actor" and this leads to some embarassment...as it did last night, when i was introduced to a fairly well known actor but did not immediately recognize her. the person introducing us then said that she had just gotten back from a tour at which point i innocently asked "oh, are you a singer/songwriter?"

there was a moment of confusion...an exchange of glances between introducer and introducee...and then a somewhat awkward "uh, ya" from the actor...sort of a well-ya-i-guess-so-i'd-never-really-introduced-myself-as-a-singer/songwriter-since-most-people-who-have-not-been-living-in-a-crawl-space-tend-to-recognize-me kind of "uh, ya"...at which point i realized that this was, in fact, an actor/singer. in the flesh. that rare combination of big screen appeal and musical ability.

the moral of the story is this: next time i am introduced to a fellow musician i think i'll ask "oh, are you an actor?"

i'm not desperate

no, not me...i'm conducting an experiment this thursday...at my show...

the first 25 people to pay at the door will receive a free drink ticket.

so if you're in the los angeles area, please come out and have a drink. and watch me play music. this is the first night of my residency at the awesomely cool HOTEL CAFE and it's a big night for me...not only because every thursday is a big night for me (i just love thursdays) but because there will be people in the audience whose approval i am seeking. (no, not my dad) well, perhaps "seeking approval" is a bit strong, since, as far as their approval of me goes, i could give a f*ck, but i would like to give them a good show, representative of terra naomi at her personal best. (did i just refer to myself in third person?) hmm...

i have all these new songs, too. and i would love to debut them in front of a room full of people. and i might flash my tit. (just kidding) but come anyway and see if i do. the question is this -- do i flash the right one or the left one, because there is a bit of a size difference -- the right one is a tiny bit bigger -- so if i flash the right one you get the bigger size, but if i flash the left one you get a bit more perk. lots to consider...i wonder if janet had that dilemma...

show your bushes who's boss

anyone else heard the ad camaign? i think it's for some kind of lawn grooming center...it plays on the radio a lot lately...so many things come to mind before i finally realize, every time, that it's about yard work...

The Animal Rescue Site : Feed an Animal in Need

please go here daily to help feed animals in need...

The Animal Rescue Site : Feed an Animal in Need

chez moi

so someone was in my yard last night...the gates were open this morning and the blanket on my hammock was missing...so much for my "guard dogs" who slept like babes into the late morning...it's creepy...very creepy...and the creepiest part of all was my initial response which was "hmmm...maybe it was some drunk kids..."

DRUNK KIDS???

when did it happen...when did i silently switch over to the other side? worrying about drunk kids...i'm supposed to BE the drunk kid...what's next -- "it's halloween...i'd better move the car so it doesn't get egged by some houligans..."

my god...so i walked around the yard this morning with my attack dogs who kind of sniffed certain places but didn't seem overly concerned, and i thought about the book i just read --age of iron by JM Coetzee...and we're off to a good day...