yes, i am overflowing with stories from the road, but first things first. i now present to you a tale in seven parts.
i like to call it "GOD'S WORK"...
PART I: THE MOVE
some of you may or may not know that i moved to a new apartment last march. finding an apartment that allows a 116 lb old english sheepdog is kinda tough. however, after much searching and stress, i finally found the perfect place. back yard, separate entrance, patio, flower garden, persimmon and fig trees...truly idyllic. even a doggie door so the boys could go in and out as they pleased.
when i first moved in my landlord was living in the main part of the house. this was cool. i liked her a lot. we got along quite well. and i had the whole yard to myself since she never used it. it looked like i had finally found a nice temporary home in hollywood.
PART II: THE ENGAGEMENT
so my landlord had a boyfriend. they got engaged. she decided to move into his house in silverlake and began the search for tenants for the main part of the house.
PART III: THE CRUSADE
of all the people in hollywood she had to find them.
it was a subtle change at first. no one seemed to have moved into the house. i came and went as always.
and then it happened. seemingly out of nowhere came hoardes of bright-eyed, clean cut young people. two trucks full of belongings showed up. contemporary christian music blared through the house, penetrated the ceiling and filled my little apartment with the joyful sounds of god. overly happy workmen came every day. they painted the walls, they retiled the floors, they smiled. a lot. they were moving her in.
PART IV: THE HOLY GHOST
i still never saw her. she was like a ghost. they told me she was on the road. on tour. they continued to work. they left garbage all over the driveway and made a lot of noise. they continually parked behind my car and blocked me in. every time i needed to leave the house i had to first knock on the door, receive a frighteningly friendly "hello!" and wait until the offending party was located. i bit my tongue. they were sweet. i could handle it. they were harmless. or so i thought.
PART V: AT LAST WE MEET
our first encounter was in the driveway. as usual, my car was blocked in by a white mercedes van bearing the license plate "4 JC".
i was running late. she came up to the car and introduced herself. she had bright blue eyes and a big smile. she said she was looking forward to getting to know me. i smiled back. i was running late.
PART VI: DIASPORA
my life has changed a lot over the past few months - a direct result of this woman's presence. of all the lives she's supposedly changed, i think she failed to take mine into account. i got used to the jesus freaks milling around the yard. i tried my hardest not to get annoyed when they blocked my car every day. i was pleasant and listened when one of them invited me to their church. i pretended i did not think it was completely bizarre when his superior asked him, "did you make first contact, or did she?"
and today i get a call from my landlord. the christians want the whole house. they want to turn my apartment into her office. i no longer have the option to renew my lease in february. i have to move. again. this makes 5 times in the last 2 years. finding a place that accepts large dogs is nearly impossible and now i get the pleasure of beginning that search all over again. they have apparently been asking her every month about the possibility of removing me ahead of schedule. as far as they're concerned, late february is not soon enough. and as a landlord it is easier to have only one tenant in the house verses two. and it will be easier to rent the house in the future if there's not already someone living in the downstairs apartment. "you understand." of course. it's understandable. the christians need an office.
CONCLUSION
this is why i hate hypocritical god-freaks. this is why i no longer care about admitting it. i am beyond sick and tired of self-righteous religious assholes. this is the least of it. people are dying every second in the name of god and i can hardly take it anymore.
maybe they'll help me move my shit in their white mercedes jesus mobile. but probably not. it's much more likely that it will be blocking my uhaul. afterall, there is very important work to be done inside the house. and if one person is inconvenienced and displaced, well, too fucking bad.
they have work to do. god's work.
