naomiland

i need to vent

ok - so i need to vent for a moment. and this being my blog, i give myself full permission to do just that.

first off, i want to say thank you to all the people who have been and continue to be SO supportive of what i'm doing with my virtual tour. and my career in general. it's really awesome to see such an amazing response to the songs i'm posting. it started out as an idea - something fun to do since i wasn't going on tour. and now, 1 month and over 1 million views later, it seems to have taken on a life of its own, which is really really neat.

i would say the whole experience has been 95% good.

and the other 5% you ask?

well, it seems the anonymity and instant access of the internet brings out the worst of the human race. i now understand why people do not read their own reviews. and at least with reviews you're dealing with (usually) educated, coherent people. at least most of the time. not the case with the internet. every unhappy, bitter, jealous, jilted, inadequate, unintelligent loser on the planet gets to have a voice. and the best part of it is that they have direct access to the person they wish to target.

it's both extremely interesting and extremely fucking annoying. it's a whole new world of distribution and exposure...people have never had access like this to public figures. and being a public figure has never been so easy! any idiot can do it. film your dog taking a shit and you can get a million plays on youtube. film your friend falling down drunk in a parking lot and yup - you guessed it - internet superstar! so PLEASE do not think i'm trying to claim some sort of superior title by calling myself a "public figure." i only mean it in the sense of someone who has been seen by a lot of people. which, like i said, is not hard to do these days.

but anyway...

have you ever had the experience where you're driving and someone does something particularly shitty - like honks at you when you have the right of way and then flips you off as they drive by? and something in you briefly snaps and you feel hard, ugly rage.......i've experienced that a few times in LA, where i feel like it's a good thing i don't have a weapon because the urge to wave it out the window while screaming "i'm gonna fucking kill you you worthless piece of shit - get out of your car right now and meet your maker!" would be almost uncontrollable. hard to believe that feeling lives within me. it's something primal and deep and it ain't pretty. but it happens.

i find myself experiencing a similar sensation when i read certain comments on youtube. which, I KNOW, is so ridiculous on my part, since the comments i refer to are written by people who have nothing better to do than to sit and watch all my videos and then post negative comments about them! i can only imagine the person posting these comments. most likely he's 12. and that right there should be enough to make me look at it and laugh.

but then there are the obviously slightly older crew of haters. they usually spell at least one word wrong - mess up your and you're - you know, something telling like that - ex. "you're music sounds like tori amos. i know 4 songs with the same chords. learn to play guitar and get a nose job."

or "i know 20 girls who sound just like you. you are not original. people only like you because your hot."

see, comments like that bring out the worst in me, even if only for a moment. it's times like that when i realize that my inner snob is alive and well. sitting alongside my inner ruffian. i want to reach into the computer, through the lovely energy waves of time and space, come out on the other side of the screen and do two things:

1. give a grammar lesson in the proper use of contractions.
2. cause bodily harm. lots of it.

once again, let me reiterate -

I KNOW these people are morons. even the ones who claim to be "trying to help me improve," or "in the business." to the last phrase, let me state that i know many people "in the business" and none of them spend their time leaving comments on youtube videos. (finding the proper way to contact the people who make the videos and wanting to get involved, yes.......)

i'm baffled by it, truly. and that's why i'm writing this. i do not understand how i could know all that i know about people and psyches and emotions and still let myself get upset by these comments. it's silly, really. i know this. and i'm not going to do it anymore. most of the time i don't. i usually just feel a mix of pity and disgust. but occasionally i read one that just makes my blood boil.

a good reason NOT to read youtube comments....but then i might miss the really good ones. and those make me happy.

ah, life's dilemmas. (see, the dilemma belongs to "life" in this case, so we use the apostrophe to indicate ownership.)

;)

by the way

i know that entry below is neither funny nor exciting - my brain is fried. i'm too tired to be clever. just the facts, ma'am...at least for tonight. hopefully soon i will return to my at least semi-entertaining state. that's my goal when i'm not aiming higher. sometimes i aim higher. like piss your pants funny. not often, but maybe once in a while....and now it's off to bed.

after the show tonight sara and allison and i took the water bottles from our dressing room. 3 bottles each. these are the things i will remember from this time....the time when free water bottles were not something to be overlooked. and you eat from the craft services table because it's the only hot food you've had in a while. (not out of poverty - just out of laziness and the lack of a reason to actually cook anything. i remember when i used to love to cook. i think that ended along with my relationship 2 years ago. but that's another story.)

and i'll remember our excitement when we found out that a "black, shiny car" was coming to pick us up for the show. these things are still very new and exciting to me. i like that feeling. i don't know when you start taking it all for granted - the free water, the limousines, the person who escorts you around the backstage area and stands outside the bathroom waiting for you.....but i hope it doesn't grow old anytime soon. and i hope that when it becomes more common i remember that the people making it all run smoothly are anything but...

goodnight.

when i'm in charge

i hope i remember to be really cool to the people who do little things like sing backup for me. because it would have been nice to at least be acknowledged by the guy i sang for tonight! he didn't even look up at us during rehearsal. oh well. that's hollywood for you. just makes me realize how amazing neil young was, and how humble and generous and giving he was to every person singing on his album. it's a real gift to be that compassionate.

but tonight was fun.

i sang backup at the ESPY awards. the show will air on sunday, july 16 on ESPN. 9pm eastern, i think.

i didn't see too much of the show, but i think the skit i sang in was pretty funny. it's towards the end. check it out. it involves will ferrell and lance armstrong. very neat.

mariah carey presented the award right before we went on. that was pretty amazing. she's incredible. all she did was stand there tonight, but knowing the voice that comes out of that woman and seeing her right there in front of me - 100 feet away - it was really cool. i was definitely staring. she looked beautiful, too - you'll see if you check out the show.

it was a neat night. i was able to bring in my friends allison sattinger and sara bareilles to be in the trio with me. was very happy to be with friends for that experience. we had a lot of fun and those girls have the most lovely voices. (even in the company of mariah carey! they still hold up!)

so that's all for tonight.

my voice is a lot better and i will be recording new virtual tour episodes very soon....thanks for your patience while i allow myself some time to heal. which i should have done in the first place, as soon as i got sick.......live and learn.

love
terra

roids

i'm on steroids.

no, really.

never thought i'd get to say that...hahahahah....

i sang while i was sick and now my voice is not very happy at all. so i am not allowed to talk for 2 weeks. the only exception is when i sing on the ESPY awards this week. and for the rehearsals. and that's why i'm on the juice - to shrink the swelling in my chords and get me singing in time for that show.

so next time i lose my voice i will most certainly cancel my shows. i couldn't bear the thought of canceling on people - and now look.

is there a lesson to be learned? probably. i'm on steroids right now, so i'm kind of amped up and it's making me want to type all kinds of shit. stuff i'll probably regret later. so i'll bite my tongue...tie my fingers....not give the big old fuck you to the world...save that for another day when i really mean it.

maybe i should go lift weights. pack on a solid 5 lbs of muscle while i can. maybe this is all part of a big cosmic career change for me - i might discover that i prefer bodybuilding to singing. it's all the same anyway, right? creating this big old exterior for all the world to see. they're in there, somewhere...under those layers of muscle...

all i want to do is sleep. it's funny how something like this affects a person. i am so reliant upon my voice to get me through life. and now that it's out of commission....i don't know what to do with myself. i'm usually so tough and resilient. and i will be with this. i'm just not used to being slowed down. i guess sometimes we're forced to slow down, like it or not. and i will just tell myself that's what happened here. something out there (cue spooky ghosty music) wanted me to slow down for some reason.

i love how we create all these ideas ("something wants me to slow down") in order to make sense of things that make no sense. the world makes no sense. and we have just enough brain function to give us the need to figure it out. so we create god. we create religion. we create meaning and purpose. what if there is no meaning and purpose? and we're only passing time. i don't know but i think about it a whole lot.

i think about it while i'm meditating sometimes. while i'm trying to connect to the unknown, the universe, god if you will.....trying to ignore the strong feeling that it's all bullshit. that feeling of ya, we're here, and who cares. and when we're not here anymore, who cares. it's a dark place to hang out. i understand why we created god.

the doctor said i would feel chatty and hyper from the pill i took. but i don't. i kind of feel pissed off and sad that i let this happen. and worried about my voice, even though the doctor said it would be absolutely fine. so i guess i'll stop worrying. we're so fragile. anything can crush us, break us. i forget that sometimes.

just wanna sleep. i think i'll do that now.

goodnight.