it's friday night. today i went to ikea and bought furniture. everything came in flat boxes. we stacked up a whole room's worth of stuff in the back of a minivan. i like that. putting it together improved my power drill/screwdriver skills. i like that, too.
sitting in my new room now. i like it a whole lot. i'm usually pretty weird and depressed after a tour, and having something else to think about helped in a big way.
of course, while standing outside for an hour keeping watch with my stuff (stacked up on the doorstep), waiting for one of my housemates to come home and let me in (wrong key), laughing to and at myself and the silliness of the situation, i realized something again, for the i-don't-know-how-many-eth time.
it never seems to get any easier.
i'm not complaining. just stating a fact. it never seems to get easier. with each step upwards there are increasingly more ways to fall. and thinking about the falls are scarier. i guess this is the way it is. i have never known "ease." i have been lucky, i have had moments of feeling completely safe, moments of peace....and i guess i always (mistakenly) thought that at some point it all irons out into some smooth surface and i glide along, smiling and waving. hmm...not so. at least not yet. i haven't stopped hoping for that, but i might have refined my search.
obviously, the answer lies in the way i deal with it. the way i take it all in, and the way i judge this journey. i need to take my own words to heart right now. the tougher the struggle, the tougher i need to be, the stronger i need to make myself. the harder it gets, the harder i need to work. when i feel as if i am up against something insurmountable, i need to direct my energy inward, resist the urge to look for outside solutions, and find the strength that has taken me this far for years. for my whole life. now is not the time to fold.
i will admit to being envious of people to whom things seem to come with less of a struggle. but i'm past feeling upset about it. all i can say is "wow. that must really be nice." but it's not something that can be judged or measured, because to people like that, who do not really know what massive amounts of pain feels like, well, there is nothing to compare it to. and everyone's threshold for pain is different, so who knows - waiting in a long line at the airport might be incredibly devastating for some of those people. and again i say, "that must really be nice."
and then there are people who never think about stuff like this at all because they are homeless and starving and dying. (just inserting a quick reality check to let you know - dear reader - that my head is not completely up my own ass. i know all this shit is relative. this is my blog.)
yes, so back to me.
some vague notion of a hard-earned victory being sweeter no longer does it for me. i don't think i believe in some moment of reward. i want to enjoy this moment. now. today. for whatever it is or isn't. i want to stop judging individual events as "good" or "bad" and i want to stop judging myself as "success" or "failure." it's impossible to judge these things. we have no understanding of the outcome. there is no outcome. just an ever-evolving course of events.
maybe this is where things smooth out and i coast along...nothing has changed to anyone observing from the outside. and no one observing from the outside ever sees the true picture, anyway. so i will find the ease in working hard? i will find the peace in instability?
none of it really makes any sense to me. one day i was sitting in a stuffy apartment in hollywood. or a tiny 3 bedroom flat in lower manhattan. or a dorm room in michigan. or was it a pink and lavender bedroom in upstate new york? or a ski lodge or a farm or a condo in cleveland...i was born and then all these things happened. i think i remember them, but who's to say, really? and then i write them down and thoughts become words which are read by god knows who....out there on computers in some other place. got to admit - i don't really like that thought. but i'm compelled to type.
i think this moment is ok. i think things are smooth now, at 12:46am, and i have everything i need.